Wednesday, January 18, 2012

growing

I do not normally turn so far inward when I pull in. Being social- I thrive on community. But this fall and winter, I feel so many things brewing and growing. So many, I can't even journal, write, paint or create about them. I hear that I should be still, but also want to grow so fast- I forget I am doing exactly that. Growing. I am growing myself, my daughters, my marriage, my home. I am growing in mind and heart, and belly. Just like when I get caught up with what I "should be" teaching the children. And how much they should know and how they should learn it- I get caught up in my own learning. And forget I can homeschool too.
I want to go to workshops, I want a teacher. I want someone to guide me. I do not always want to be the teacher. I want someone to show me things I do not know. And I forget, those someone's are not always older, just wiser, then me.
I do crave a teacher, and a guide. But that person is not here now. And even if they were, how would I make time for their lessons. Here before my children, my family and I are all the lessons we need, with the proper time frame. We have the universe within, the universe beyond, and the universe we are within- all to  explore. We ( I ) do not need to find a teacher to learn any of the concepts I seek to understand. I have a daily practice in patience and mindfulness. I have a custom designed workshop that encompasses my whole life! I have a great many tools at my fingertips- and they materialize as needed.
I am not less educated, less wise, or less committed because I do not go to classes and get certifications. I know these truths in my head- but sometimes I forget, a little. I want to one day be a woman who can help women not have so many hats, and roles- that we can just be, and be enough, and be everything as and where we are. Well then, that is a challenge I must take on here when it is before me.
So I will learn my lessons, from my heart. From my husband. From the hearts of my children. From the little extra heart beating extra fast within me. And I will bring them out into the world.
Because hysterically, when I  stop straining, its all right before me anyway.

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