Sunday morning, there were tears as I packed up for the farmer's market. The girls were with my mama, they had spent the night, and David was seeing me off. End of the driveway, through the driver-side window I get a kiss and some very good advice. One little sentence from him, and I have been holding tight to it all week long.
My body does not seem to be as comfortable with our loss as the rest of me is. Deep down there, deep inside, something is holding on tight and refusing return to its pre-pregnancy state. When the rest of me wants very much to have a new pregnancy and baby- my body says no, its not ready yet. And it sends me very mixed signals. This is where the tears came in, as I explained to my husband " I just don't know what I normally know".
"well, why don't you focus on what you do know right now". huh. that, is a very good idea. And I started making a list. Of what I know. And I've been making it longer and longer all week, every time I start to wonder, and worry, and consider, and think too-hard.
I know my husband loves me more than life itself.
I know my daughters are the most fascinating people in the universe ( to me, of course).
that heaven and hell are right here on earth, everyday.
that a child wants to be with her mother.
that homemade chocolate chip cookies solve most problems.
with sun shining on my living room floor, its hard not to be cheerful.
my greatest fear: my family being without me.
i have many faults, one of them may be that I like 'em.
i miss my grandma.
i am the same person I have always been, but more so.
there is divinity in everything and everyone.
I know that today, all I can do to solve the problems of the world, is to solve those in my household. I know that if I put all my energy into the project of motherhood- I will change the world. I know that if I am open with my children, they will learn to be open with themselves. I know that I am stubborn, but idealistic is a pretty way to say so. I know that we are all connected, we are all one. I will make the best of a bad situation. I will get all I can out of everyday, every experience. I know that sometimes I need to listen to my husband, and do less- but there is SO much to do! I know that I like it here. I know that somedays, I want to yell and stomp my feet like the children. Being frustrated, upset or angry is nothing to be ashamed of.
I know love is what it is all about. I know what its like to have your heart sing, I know I am lucky mine sings everyday. I know that I do not know what to do next. I know that I should just let it come, I know I should ride the wind. I know I should breath deep.