Tuesday, March 29, 2011

In celebration of life, love, mama's intuition, and sadness. In celebration of sadness.

I felt her sweet and gentle spirit for the first time several years ago as I passed a field at harvest time. And last year on Halloween, I told my husband she'd be here this time next year. Do you really want another, he asked. I can just feel this little spirit that wants to be with us, I told him. And on January 17, I knew she was on her way; preparing to arrive on the Harvest Moon, October 11, 2011. I refused to take a pregnancy test, why would I, when I could feel her already. I knew my body. This was the third time I'd felt the shift, the dance within, as my body prepared a safe home for our daughter. And yet, this time- I felt anxious. There was a something, and yet nothing, that was not quite right.
The weeks added up, and plans were made. Cravings for seasoned curly fries, and lemon popsicles. Knitting patterns, yarn. This little one didn't need anything, so I was free to craft anything I'd want. My clothes got tight, my waist thickening.
SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. I heard it so loud, just before I opened my eyes. But what, what is not right? Everything is right, this is just right, I want it to be right.
Another week or two. I phone my midwife. It is just a few spots. It is just light bleeding, no cramping. It is pink, it's so little- I know its nothing to cause alarm.  And I do not feel alarmed. My spirit, my spirit already knows.
There is no heart beat, she moved the doppler, she moves it all around. And I drive to the sonogram. She's had the doula meet me there. And my mom is on her way. I didn't invite anyone, I wanted to not be worried about their feelings. The office is quite, we are the only ones there. And there is my beautiful girl on the screen, perfect in every way, accept the heart that is not beating anymore.
A whole week passes before my body finally gets the message, there is nothing it can do.
With far more torment than it took to bring forth my other girls, my body finally lets her go. A teeny tiny perfect child. Hands crossed over her heart, head bowed. Not in any kind of prayer but full of divinity. This moment of heart break and longing, is also a moment of grace and beauty. An absolutely sacred moment I am honored and grateful I was allowed to share with my baby. It is the only moment I will ever have.
And now, for the first time in my life, my body and spirit are arguing. One wants to hold onto this child, and the other is begging for another. My body trying to tell my spirit how comforted it will be when I look towards the future. But when I look, I see all my plans for this child wiped away and so much emptiness in its place. Now as a busy mama of two girls, I have a full calendar. But space was made within my mind, and body and within our lives. And now what. I know this is part of the story. This is part of the life we are living. It is not life, and is not full and radiant without us also hearing and feeling our sadness and pain. Living fully in these last few weeks has proven that. Without pushing the pain and the fear away, I got to take possession of my story. To make sure it is mine, the one I want to live. I proved to myself, I am indeed who I think I am. And so are those around me.
Because of this, I can be at peace, and know my baby is too. But I can also be terribly sad. This sadness has a gift within it. The passion and celebration that infuse my life will burn even brighter. The intuition that spurs my actions, will be louder. And my connection to the universe, and it wisdom,  more profound.

6 comments:

  1. HI I just visited your blog for the first time. I wanted to tell you how perfect this post was. I experienced the exact same thing almost. I could have written just about everything. I lost a perfect looking baby in 2005. I already had two little little girls and although things would have been hard, I had prepared internally for the new little one. But things just weren't right at all, and it took several weeks for my body to get the message. I recommend a book called 'Grieving the Child I never Knew'. It took me through the journey of grief over the little one and I have had two more daughters, perfectly healthy since then. But your post brought it all back to my remembrance. I am sorry for your loss and pray you receive peace.

    Jessica

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I read this and remembered my own loss.

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  3. Blessing, ladies, thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

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  4. Hi, Sherene ~ I just wanted to send some love to you. Thank you for sharing your story. I so appreciate your openness and honesty about this experience. I hope your heart is healing and that you are getting love and support from those close to you.

    I have lost two pregnancies, one just two weeks ago. I also have two beautiful small children, and it's almost difficult to make space to get my head around everything, as my husband and I are so busy with them. It feels as though there has not been any time for me to even feel sad! (I also had not shared that I was pregnant with many people-and still haven't, as I had a feeling I shouldn't tell them until I was farther along...) So in a way, it doesn't feel like it was 'real.' Except it was!

    Reading your post here has helped me to connect with the emotions that have been waiting to be acknowledged, and feel the sadness that is still with me over the loss of this baby.

    I wish you peace and hope and comfort in this time.

    Thank you ~ Kate

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  5. Wow - I know exactly how you felt. I too was pregnant earlier this year and it never felt right. I lost our little baby at 14 weeks.
    It's such a sad time - even though this baby was not planned for us - I still feel the loss.
    Hope you are okay
    L
    x

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  6. your words are so true

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